I laughed myself silly. What do you think?Howz my Drivin'?
The roads are slick with rain, the fog sticks around 'til quarter past ten and its damn chilly out. November has hit like a damp sponge, and it's just plain miserable.
Already in a foul mood, I use my rear-view mirror to fume in sullen silence at the tailgating Dodge Neon behind me. I pretend he sees me looking at him and that it makes him feel uncomfortable. Then I accidentally pretend that, after having seen me looking at him, he instead mocks me with a crooked grin.
Damn him! What an ass he turns out to be in my imagination.
It was at about that moment that I drove up behind a bus which was slowing down to pick up passengers. I check my side view mirror and my blind spot for cars in the next lane over. Seeing none, I activate my impending-lane-change warning beacon (in other countries this is known as a "turn-signal", but not in the civilized bastion of my head) and begin to move around the bus.
Remember the tailgater that mocked me in my head? Well, back in the real-world he saw that I was about to change lanes, thought that seemed a fine idea, and proceeded to whip around me without warning, almost causing me to collide with him and/or the bus. Frickin' jerk!
I fume unproductively at the ass end of the stinky city bus, as traffic now pins me in place like the steel Ford tail-on-the-donkey that I am.
Traffic moved oddly and it was only a minute or two later that I caught up with the Neon as he weaved through traffic in a mad, futile effort to gain just one more car length further upstream. I noticed one of those "How's My Driving? Call 1-800-xxx-xxxx" bumper stickers.
I've seen these all my life, although I'd never called one until that day. I dialed my cell phone with an angry finger.
The friendly vehicle safety officer at the Whatsit Corporation, a lady named Emily, took from me the license number of the Neon as well as a description of current road conditions and then asked me what the Neon had done to merit my report.
"Yes, the driver was tailgating me, and," I began, only to be interrupted by Emily.
"He was tailgating you? For approximately how long?"
"Oh, at least a minute. But that isn't all."
"Right," I could sense her head nodding over the phone, "So he was tailgating you for about a minute. What else?"
"Well, then he changed lanes and cut me off from MY lane change," sounded confusing, so I rushed on, "see, I had already turned my signal on, and he decided to change lanes first, and accelerated to block my lane change. A pre-emptive lane change, see?"
"Uh, maybe.."
"It's very simple. He wanted to keep me in my lane."
"..keep you in..."
I was losing her. Fast, man, think! "That's not all! He made me look at religious literature!" There was a moment of shocked silence.
"What?" she finally demanded.
"Just what I said! I swear, he flipped me off, paced my car and held up a 'Jehovah's Plan' pamphlet. Pushed it right up to his passenger window so I would be FORCED to read it!"
A short pause and then, "why would he do that, sir?"
"How the hell should I know?!? And then, to make matters worse, he rolled down his window, shouted something about how I should stop wasting my life, and flung a copy of Dianetics at my car!"
"But-"
"I know, that doesn't even qualify as a religion! But THAT'S the kind of jerk you people let drive your precious Chrysler vehicles." I figured that would get her attention. Get her mind on the valuable company car and I was sure she'd see things my way.
"OK, OK, let me get this down. The driver displayed a religious booklet-"
"brazenly displayed a booklet," I corrected.
"...brazenly displayed a booklet. Of a religious nature?"
"It was called 'Jehovah's Plan.' I think its from the Jehovah's Witnesses," I was startled to a sudden conclusion, "You know, it might be about the Jehovah's Witness Protection Plan!"
"But then he threw a book at your car from out of an open window?"
"Yeah. I was waving him off, trying to pantomime that I already accepted Jesus as my personal savior and personal trainer when he decided I'd be better off with L. Ron Hubbard's gang. At least, that's what I'm assuming since it was Dianetics he bombarded me with."
"...Bombarded you with Dianetics. Did your car receive any damage from this?"
"Except for the expensive Scientology classes its been begging for since then, I don't really think so. But I just can't afford to get rid of his damn Thetans."
"We're talking about your car?"
"NO! We're talking about your damn driver! You want to know the worst thing he did?"
"Uh, sure." She sounded none too certain, but I pushed on.
"Using a complicated series of hand-held, painted fans, he proceeded to tell the drivers of all the cars around us that I was a foreign national named Sean-Luc Mac VanWiederson and had counterfeit DVD's of Mariah Carey's 'Glitter' and J Lo's 'Gigli' in my trunk for sale at $3 a pop! He nearly caused a riot, and if it weren't for the distraction I caused by tossing that copy of Dianetics through the windshield of the bus I probably wouldn't be alive today."
"Sir, you expect me to believe that he used fans to tell people your name was Sean-Luc Mac VanWiederson? How?" Emily seemed so incredulous!
"With words painted onto the fans, of course. I figure he must have had them prepared for just such an occasion; he seemed to have them on hand and ready to go."
"Right. Is there anything else, sir?" "Don't forget about 'Gigli' and 'Glitter'!"
"Got that. 'Gigli' and 'Glitter'. Anything else?" she asked somewhat desperately.
"No. That'll be it. You've been most helpful. Would you like me to send you a copy of 'Glitter' or 'Gigli'? I got lots."
"But--" she asked me almost against her will, "didn't you say that our driver just told people you had-"
"Funny thing, that. He was dead on! Only, my last name is MacVanWeidermaker. Character assassin! That's what you have working for you!"
"Well, ok...if that's all..."
"It most certainly is. Thanks so much Emily, you've been very understanding, and I hope that jerk loses his job over this." The conversation drew to a close shortly thereafter, and I can only assume my unknown antagonist has been sacked. Let that teach him to mess with SafeTinspector.
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