ODE TO A 1993 TEMPO

On the last day of Winter semester in 2005, Vicky, and another student met violently in the parking lot at school. Luckily they were both in their automobiles. Anyway, Vicky's right front bumper was crushed. We did not know if the insurance company would cover the deductible or not, as it was not immediately apparent who's fault the accident was. However, it was plain that if the deductible was waved, the cost of repairs would be more then the Tempo was worth, therefore the car would be totaled out by the insurance company. While waiting for a determination, Vicky wrote this about the Tempo.


Preface: The fate of the Tempo hangs in the balance. Will she be totaled? Or will she run free? Will the man take her over, crush and compact her? No, I say! No! We have shared too much together. In these desperate hours, while I wait for the insurance company of doom to make the decision of a lifetime, I would like to leave a little something for posterity. I call it,

"Ode to the Ford".

Ford Tempo, year 1993, how much do you mean to me?
your pick-up nonexistent, your problems most persistent.
Cruise control and automatic locks used to make you quite a fox,
but without them now you're just 4 wheels and a box.
Rotted weather stripping lets in the rain,
repairs attempted always in vain.
Remember when that girl crashed into your side?
Now no bumper graces your hide.
Yet even if some say you're no longer a thrill,
I still fall for your steamy grill.
You get me to work and to play,most of the time with no delay.
So Ford Tempo, year 1993, how much DO you mean to me?
The answer is this: you've made driving a total bliss.
Please, don't let those insurance demons take you away!
I long to drive you for forever and a day!
But dear Tempo, even if your grip on life fails to hold,
I will always love you, even when your engine grows cold.

As it turns out, in case you are interested, no fault could be determined so the deductible was not waved. The Tempo still runs, though still with a damaged front end. Vicky however, was not quite as attached to her Tempo as she expressed. She was happy to start driving her mom's 2003 red Focus, when Mom got a new PT Cruiser at Thanksgiving.

So, here is Vicky's new ride. I wonder if she will wax poetic about the Focus?

SAMANTHA TO BE A BIG SISTER

Samantha the future Big Sister


"Thank you God for all the wonderfull food we are about to eat, and for our family, thank you for the good year we have had and thank you Heather is pregnant, and Samantha is going to be a big sister."

Knowing my son's propensity to goof around, I interrupted his Thanksgiving prayer and said, " Heather are you really pregnant?"

"Yes," she replies.

"Yeah!" I exclaim. "Yes, thank God, Amen!"

And thus, our little Thanksgiving Day gathering around Jerry's dining room table, was informed that our wonderful, beautiful, smart, loving, daughter-in-law/sister-in-law had our second grandchild residing in her tummy.

I pray that in about eight months, Heather and Joe will have a whole and healthy baby, whom we will all adore, whether a girl or a boy, but I, who have nothing to do with it and no say in the matter, want a boy. :-)

JOE VENTURES OUT OF TOWN

I laughed myself silly. What do you think?

Howz my Drivin'?
The roads are slick with rain, the fog sticks around 'til quarter past ten and its damn chilly out. November has hit like a damp sponge, and it's just plain miserable.

Already in a foul mood, I use my rear-view mirror to fume in sullen silence at the tailgating Dodge Neon behind me. I pretend he sees me looking at him and that it makes him feel uncomfortable. Then I accidentally pretend that, after having seen me looking at him, he instead mocks me with a crooked grin.

Damn him! What an ass he turns out to be in my imagination.

It was at about that moment that I drove up behind a bus which was slowing down to pick up passengers. I check my side view mirror and my blind spot for cars in the next lane over. Seeing none, I activate my impending-lane-change warning beacon (in other countries this is known as a "turn-signal", but not in the civilized bastion of my head) and begin to move around the bus.

Remember the tailgater that mocked me in my head? Well, back in the real-world he saw that I was about to change lanes, thought that seemed a fine idea, and proceeded to whip around me without warning, almost causing me to collide with him and/or the bus. Frickin' jerk!

I fume unproductively at the ass end of the stinky city bus, as traffic now pins me in place like the steel Ford tail-on-the-donkey that I am.

Traffic moved oddly and it was only a minute or two later that I caught up with the Neon as he weaved through traffic in a mad, futile effort to gain just one more car length further upstream. I noticed one of those "How's My Driving? Call 1-800-xxx-xxxx" bumper stickers.

I've seen these all my life, although I'd never called one until that day. I dialed my cell phone with an angry finger.

The friendly vehicle safety officer at the Whatsit Corporation, a lady named Emily, took from me the license number of the Neon as well as a description of current road conditions and then asked me what the Neon had done to merit my report.

"Yes, the driver was tailgating me, and," I began, only to be interrupted by Emily.

"He was tailgating you? For approximately how long?"

"Oh, at least a minute. But that isn't all."

"Right," I could sense her head nodding over the phone, "So he was tailgating you for about a minute. What else?"

"Well, then he changed lanes and cut me off from MY lane change," sounded confusing, so I rushed on, "see, I had already turned my signal on, and he decided to change lanes first, and accelerated to block my lane change. A pre-emptive lane change, see?"

"Uh, maybe.."

"It's very simple. He wanted to keep me in my lane."

"..keep you in..."

I was losing her. Fast, man, think! "That's not all! He made me look at religious literature!" There was a moment of shocked silence.

"What?" she finally demanded.

"Just what I said! I swear, he flipped me off, paced my car and held up a 'Jehovah's Plan' pamphlet. Pushed it right up to his passenger window so I would be FORCED to read it!"

A short pause and then, "why would he do that, sir?"

"How the hell should I know?!? And then, to make matters worse, he rolled down his window, shouted something about how I should stop wasting my life, and flung a copy of Dianetics at my car!"

"But-"

"I know, that doesn't even qualify as a religion! But THAT'S the kind of jerk you people let drive your precious Chrysler vehicles." I figured that would get her attention. Get her mind on the valuable company car and I was sure she'd see things my way.

"OK, OK, let me get this down. The driver displayed a religious booklet-"

"brazenly displayed a booklet," I corrected.

"...brazenly displayed a booklet. Of a religious nature?"

"It was called 'Jehovah's Plan.' I think its from the Jehovah's Witnesses," I was startled to a sudden conclusion, "You know, it might be about the Jehovah's Witness Protection Plan!"

"But then he threw a book at your car from out of an open window?"

"Yeah. I was waving him off, trying to pantomime that I already accepted Jesus as my personal savior and personal trainer when he decided I'd be better off with L. Ron Hubbard's gang. At least, that's what I'm assuming since it was Dianetics he bombarded me with."

"...Bombarded you with Dianetics. Did your car receive any damage from this?"

"Except for the expensive Scientology classes its been begging for since then, I don't really think so. But I just can't afford to get rid of his damn Thetans."

"We're talking about your car?"

"NO! We're talking about your damn driver! You want to know the worst thing he did?"

"Uh, sure." She sounded none too certain, but I pushed on.

"Using a complicated series of hand-held, painted fans, he proceeded to tell the drivers of all the cars around us that I was a foreign national named Sean-Luc Mac VanWiederson and had counterfeit DVD's of Mariah Carey's 'Glitter' and J Lo's 'Gigli' in my trunk for sale at $3 a pop! He nearly caused a riot, and if it weren't for the distraction I caused by tossing that copy of Dianetics through the windshield of the bus I probably wouldn't be alive today."

"Sir, you expect me to believe that he used fans to tell people your name was Sean-Luc Mac VanWiederson? How?" Emily seemed so incredulous!

"With words painted onto the fans, of course. I figure he must have had them prepared for just such an occasion; he seemed to have them on hand and ready to go."

"Right. Is there anything else, sir?" "Don't forget about 'Gigli' and 'Glitter'!"

"Got that. 'Gigli' and 'Glitter'. Anything else?" she asked somewhat desperately.

"No. That'll be it. You've been most helpful. Would you like me to send you a copy of 'Glitter' or 'Gigli'? I got lots."

"But--" she asked me almost against her will, "didn't you say that our driver just told people you had-"

"Funny thing, that. He was dead on! Only, my last name is MacVanWeidermaker. Character assassin! That's what you have working for you!"

"Well, ok...if that's all..."

"It most certainly is. Thanks so much Emily, you've been very understanding, and I hope that jerk loses his job over this." The conversation drew to a close shortly thereafter, and I can only assume my unknown antagonist has been sacked. Let that teach him to mess with SafeTinspector.

MORE MEANINGLESS E-MAIL TITLES

Ok, Did someone put out the word that I enjoy strange e-mail subject lines and senders? After my first posting regarding this phenom, I have gotten twice as many. Here follows is the current batch. Needless to say, I know none of the senders. Only one name is at all familiar. I have always enjoyed Orval Redenbacher popcorn, and I used to live in Napierville, Ill, which was named after the Napier family that owned a lumber mill. In the late 50's, Mr. Napier sold some farmland he had for a housing development, with the stipulation that 90% of each home be made of wood. Neat Ah?. Well that sleepy little town went from 1200 population in 1950 to 12000 population in 1960 and is now a town of many thousand, but I digress. I hope you enjoy these offerings from my e-mail.

SENDER.................. SUBJECT............... DATE SENT/SIZE

Ginger Donnelly.... FW: independent not fantasia ...Sun 10/30 23k
Efren Farrell.......... bedevil hairdo.............................. Sun 10/30 36k
Keld Israel.............. Re: Scotts good news................. Mon 10/31 4k
Ray Galvan.... hamster, divisible be homecome it.. Tue 11/01 17k
Edgardo Hyde.......... nourish be rapid or horizon..... Wed 11/02 11k
Marquis Thomson.... dilatoryq................................. Wed 11/02 31k
Queen Whittaker...... FW: Also mutate as acreage..... Sun 11/06 31k
Orval Napier.............. Movie Camera Hookup............. Wed 11/09 5k


Let's have a contest. Who can decipher what these subject lines are suppose to be? The only two that made any sense were "Re: Scotts good news" and "Movie Camera Hookup" but even then there are problems. Does the writer mean a fellow named Scott or are they referring to the people who inhabit Scotland, or the toilet paper company? Also, I do not own a movie camera, and why would all three of the words in that subject line be capitalized? Do they want to teach how to hookup a movie camera or do they offer a date with a movie camera? Let me know what you think any or all of these subject lines mean. There may be prizes.

Tom and Sue celebrate 25 years of marriage with their children at Andiamos Restaurant on October 30th. The actual aniversary was on October 25th 2005.